The crashing sound of silence

The first Ma session October 2016

First session down, Im already a little confused, at least I was…

A lengthy discussion on what is Practice based research left me wondering what I was actually doing in the room, squirmy bum on ergonomically disastrous chairs aside, I sat and listened, I listened a lot. However by the end of the day my partially atrophied brain, (a result no doubt from taking a year away from study, and for a large part my creative practice). Just resisted.

It resisted then wilted, then, at the very mention of goals, It turned to outright panic!

“Oh god no, you mean I have to plan something “?

Now the concept of practice based research I am, I think, absolutely fine with, I am a very comfortable with experimenting to find and shape my work, doing to gain insight and learn, to blow out in different directions and investigate.

The setting up of goals however was something my still resistant mind violently baulked at, as each goal was outlined, it felt like a bar dropped in the window of my mind, shit! Im trapped already on day one with a fluffy nebulous plan that seems distant, when half of me feels I should just be doing right now,  or how I develop or work toward this goal over the next two years.

Ok backing off my personal baggage and general panic at actually having some structure in my life again. I went away fairly dazed but determined to get to the bottom of why this first day had left me feeling less than fully engaged.

Baggage is a funny thing, I clearly brought a bourgeois amount to the first day, and without going into all my petty worries, I came to the conclusion that firstly I was a little over awed with my peers and those speaking, Im not used to being the quiet one and once the silence began It became increasingly hard to break, secondly I’m obviously ok in groups but I take my time to get to know people and feel comfortable, and thirdly as much as I love to discuss philosophise, etc, I need a grounding in this first to be up and running so to speak.

Finally my mind operated much like an old tube telly, it closed inward to a point before blinking off and sitting dormant with fuzzy with static.

I have since realise that essentially what I am to get out of this course, is identical in form and practice as the BA, I have been given a clear space to put in my own work ideas, and energy, a framework within which to work is useful, so what I bring to it I will get out of it, I do not like being locked into defining too much too early but it has made me ask some very important questions about where I am going and what I want to prioritise, hopefully with hard work space to experiment and a little breeze at my back I will not only be able to define my practice in greater detail over the next two years but achieve some solid results, and bring about a deeper understanding of where I fit into the world of creatives.

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